The Impact of Social Media on Modern Relationships: How Online Presence Influences Offline Connections

In today’s digital age, social media has become a double-edged sword in romantic relationships. On one hand, it offers a platform to share your love story, celebrate milestones, and stay connected across distances. On the other, it introduces challenges that can strain your connection.

One significant issue is the pressure to present a “perfect” relationship online. The constant comparison to others’ curated posts can lead to feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction. This need to “perform” online can distract from the genuine, messy, and beautiful reality of your relationship.

Social media also blurs the lines between public and private life. Oversharing can lead to unintended conflicts, while seemingly innocent interactions with others might spark jealousy or insecurity.

However, social media isn’t all bad. It has its perks:

Maintaining Connection: For long-distance couples, social media can be a lifeline, helping partners stay connected through video calls, messaging, and shared content.

Shared Memories: Platforms like Instagram or Facebook can serve as a digital scrapbook, chronicling your relationship’s journey.

Support Networks: Engaging with supportive communities online can provide advice and encouragement during tough times.

But it’s crucial to strike a balance. Here’s how to navigate the digital landscape:

Prioritize Real-Life Interactions: No number of likes or comments can replace quality time spent together in person.

Set Boundaries: Agree on what’s comfortable to share online and what’s best kept private.

Avoid Comparisons: Remember, social media often shows only the highlights, not the whole picture.

In conclusion, while social media can enhance your relationship in many ways, it’s important to be mindful of its potential pitfalls. By staying grounded and prioritizing your offline connection, you can ensure that your relationship thrives both online and off.

Rebuilding Sexual Intimacy After Trauma

Rebuilding Sexual Intimacy After Trauma

Trauma can leave deep scars, especially when it comes to connecting intimately with a partner. Whether the trauma stems from sexual assault, abuse, or another distressing experience, the emotional impact can make trust and vulnerability feel out of reach. But let’s be real: rebuilding sexual intimacy after trauma is a journey—one that requires patience, understanding, and sometimes a little professional help.

Communication is key here. It’s about talking openly—yes, even the uncomfortable stuff—with your partner. By sharing your feelings, boundaries, and fears, you create a safe space where healing can start. Trauma has a nasty way of shaking up your sense of security, which is exactly what you need to feel close to someone. So, take it slow. Let the survivor set the pace for physical closeness. This isn’t a race; it’s about making sure every step feels right and consensual.

Professional support can be a game-changer. Therapists who specialize in trauma can guide both the survivor and their partner through exercises to rebuild trust and connection. It might involve mindfulness, body awareness, or learning how to manage those unwelcome moments when anxiety or flashbacks crash the party.

Re-establishing trust isn’t just about the big, obvious things. It can start with the smallest gestures—like cuddling or holding hands. Sometimes, that’s all you need to start feeling secure again. Remember, rebuilding intimacy isn’t just about the physical side; it’s also about strengthening your emotional connection.

And then there’s self-care. It’s important for both the survivor and their partner. Survivors need time to process and heal, and partners need to support them without adding pressure. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness, focusing on emotional health, or just taking care of yourself, self-care can help you both navigate this journey together.

Rebuilding sexual intimacy after trauma might seem daunting, but it’s totally doable. With patience, honest communication, and some professional guidance, you and your partner can heal and move forward toward a stronger, more intimate connection. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Do You Have A Sexually Transmitted Infection?

Sexually transmissible infections (STI’s) are passed from one person to another during a bit of ‘rumpty-pumpty’…or ‘how’s your father?’ (Seriously, how strange are euphemisms for getting it on?), from mum to baby during pregnancy and birth or through blood products and tissue transfer (e.g. sharing needles).

Most STI’s are transmitted though all the yummy stuff, like the exchange of sexual juices (pre-cum, cum, lady’s love lube) or skin-to-skin contact during a bit of bum fun, oral or vaginal sex. However, some can even be transmitted by sharing bed clothing and linen (scabies and pubic lice).

Globally, there are over 30 bacterial, viral and parasitic STI’s and 499 million new cases of curable STI’s yearly (WHO, 2008). STI’s are a major cause of illness, disability and death – with serious medical and psychological consequences for countless people.  Additionally, those who are infected with some STI’s are statistically more likely to acquire and transmit HIV

However, STI’s need not mean that you can’t enjoy yourself and other’s bodies and are not necessarily the end of the world. Yes, they are a little bit of a curve-ball in the game of life, but we can take steps to protect ourselves and our playmates. There are also ways in which we can live with STI’s and remove stigma and shame around them to take ourselves forward into a much brighter, shinier, more positive sexual future.  One of the most positive steps we can take for all of our community is to educate ourselves about STI’s and to begin to talk about them openly and without judgement.

Here are the possible signs of an STI:

• No signs
• Testicular , urethral (pee hole) or  vaginal discharge/discomfort
• Painful intercourse/urination
• Abdominal pain
• Genital “growths” or ulcers

 Avoiding transmission

Obviously, the most effective means of avoiding transmission is abstinence (not having penetrative sex or engaging in sexual activity) or only having sexual relations in a long-term, monogamous relationship with an uninfected partner. However, it is possible to have SAFER SEX by empowering your sexual being with informed choices, building upon your self-esteem, having a positive attitude towards sexuality and consistent and correct condom/dam use.  A dam is a thin square of latex that fits over the vagina or anus. Additionally, there are vaccines available that protect against some STIs or strains of STIs (Hepatitis A and B and some strains of HPV).

Screening/Testing

Screening or testing is an excellent idea as many STI’s don’t have symptoms and you may have no idea that you have one. It’s a good idea to have regular sexual health check-ups as soon as you start to become sexually active, especially if you are engaging in unprotected sex or have multiple partners. You can get tested at your local GP, family planning/planned parenthood clinic or sexual health care clinic. In some countries these are referred to as genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics. You will be asked to give blood, urine or swab tests and may have a physical examination.

EDUCATE…SAFER SEX…SCREEN

New Terminology

STI’s used to be referred to as venereal diseases (VD) or sexually transmitted diseases (STD). Strictly speaking there is a difference between STD’s and STI’s, but the umbrella term STI is now preferred.  This is because infections are not always associated with symptoms, whereas diseases are. Also, for some using the term STI helps to minimise the embarrassment or stigma that might be associated with having a ‘disease’.

The A-B-C’s of STI’s

As mentioned previously there are over 30 STI’s here are a few:

• Bacterial Vaginosis (BV)
• Chancroid
• Chlamydia and Lymphogranuloma Venereum (LGV)
• Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
• Donovanosis  (Granuloma inguinale)
• Gonorrhoea
• Hepatitis (A, B and C)
• Herpes (HSV1 and HSV2)
• HIV and Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome (AIDS)
• Human Papillomavirus (HPV) and Genital Warts
• Intestinal parasites
• Molloscum Contagiosum
• Mononucleosis (‘mono’)
• Mucopurulent Cervicitis (MPC)
• Mycoplasma genitalium
• Pelvic Infammatory Disease (PID)
• Pubic lice (‘crabs’)
• Scabies
• Syphilis
• Trichomoniasis (‘trich’)

Tantra for One

Why you may never find your Shiva to your Shakti– and why that’s OK

Sensational Shakti and Shiva

In the Tantric cosmos a divine dance takes place where the ancient and universal feminine (Shakti) and masculine (Shiva) energies embrace and unite.

The Tantric relationship is idealised as a rhythmic flow of these two energies within and between two individuals. In the heterosexual version of this snakey cosmic tale/tail, the woman longs to open her heart fully, surrendering to and being witnessed by a present and mindful Shiva-god man – like no biggie.

The storms and passions of the feminine will be contained and held within his steady, strong arms. Cool – and despite your inner feminist looking a little disgruntled and maybe rolling her eyes just a little –  you’re well…you know, kinda drawn and intrigued. It’s all so yin and yang, Romeo and Juliet…oh good god…it’s happened again – you’ve just got totally suckered into that two becomes one bullshit again.

Another Way

The thing is there aren’t too many of those Shiva guys hanging out. Don’t get me wrong – I’m totally down with the dudes (men kinda rock), but I haven’t seen too many esoteric types shining rainbow light out of the crack of their ass recently.

Or maybe you’ve been reading your Tantra books, taken a few courses and really digging this exchange of energy malarkey and your partner is unwilling or unable to go on that particular cosmic ride with you. So do you languish – or is there another way?

Tantralise Your Sex for One

Of course there is – now pass me the lube and we’ll begin. That’s right, your friendly sex therapist just totally like ‘spiritualised’ banging one out.

Because I know that you’re just the most perfect person for little old you – no dating site could hit the nail so firmly on the head. When it comes to complimenting you – the salt to your pepper is a good old dose of you.

Hmmm…Rills of Pleasure

You can activate and channel all those delicious sexy energies, ravishing yourself with ecstatic pleasures and culminating it all with intense, mind-blowing whole body orgasms. Bring it on with the breath and chakras! 

Sacred Space – Let’s Get Juicy!

In preparations for Tantra for One, create a loving, sacred and sensuous space for your self-lurrrving.  Consciously set aside some time to treat yourself with a luxurious bath or shower, add essential oils, music, candles, and a platter of fresh cut fruit to the mix. 

Awaken and indulge every sense. Just yum! Maybe try some slow yoga postures or calm your body, mind and spirit with some meditation. Surrender to the act of worshipping yourself and your body, becoming aware of all those juicy sexual energies moving through your body.

Don’t force anything; just allow whatever feelings and pleasures to just come. Your capacity for joy and pleasure is limitless. Breath, relax and feel yourself in that present moment.

Eye Gazing

Eye gazing can establish connection and dissolve barriers between two people, so it can be a really great way of getting intimate with yourself. Once you’re in a relaxed state, set the intention for your eye gazing, maybe it’s to gain more comfort with yourself or to learn more about yourself. Say to yourself out loud or internally what you want to achieve in the time.

Close your eyes and allow your mind to quieten and still. Focus on the sensation of your breath moving in and out of your body. Let go of any expectations, pre-conceptions or busy thoughts. Release and let go. The open your eyes and gaze at the eyes in a mirror set up in front of you. Allow yourself to be comfortable and maybe over time everything may blur out except those eyes, but just allow your gaze to fall gently onto those eyes for as long as you’d like to. Open yourself up to the feelings and emotions that this brings, and release yourself from any judgements about yourself. You are unique, complex and beautiful.

Energise and Feel the Flow

Put on some music and begin to move your body whilst taking deep, gentle breaths. Wriggle your toes, stamp or shake the legs, pivot, sway or rock the hips. Energise and activate every part of your body and become aware of any sensations or energies moving within your body. Maybe there are parts of the body that need a little more warming up – areas that hold tightness and tension. Release and let go – just feel! Connect with those energies and feelings – and let your hands explore all those beautiful areas where energies arise! Yum!

Sex For One

The Year Of The Poonani

Ok, so I know I’m a sex geek and totally dig anything sexological, but I have a big confession to lay down on y’all…I’m not a masturbator. I know you’re all like totally shaking your heads and rolling your eyeballs, muttering “yeah, right”. But unfortunately, I have to fess up, it’s totally true.  So I made a decision I’m going to make this year all about me baby – that’s right me and my poonani are going to get a little more familiar.

Hell fire And Damnation

Growing up I had a heap of siblings and the twin and I were attached at the hip. There literally wasn’t the space or privacy for a bit of a fiddle.  Also, although I have no conscious memories of ever been told to ‘not touch down there’, there seemed to be an unspoken that it was not the done thing. Of course, now I realise silences and non-dialogue can be just as damaging to the developing sexual psyche as outright bans.  If it’s something soooo terrible that it cannot even be voiced , then hell and damnation ain’t got nothing on what will happen to you if you did do it…So people,  if a piece of advice is to ever pass through my lips about kids and stuff, sex and growing up, it’s this – talk about it!!! Your kids’ genitals and sexual development aren’t simply going to shuffle out of the door quietly if you pretend they don’t exist.

Chasing The Boys

So growing up I never got to flick the bean and when my desires and sexual feelings began to kick in, with all those crazy-wild bodily sensations you get as a small person, I didn’t turn to myself. I was no good girl scout. I was not prepared. Instead, I fell into chasing the boys and looking for that sweet relief elsewhere. And god dam did it get me into trouble.

The Art of Masturbation

I now feel true sexual resilience comes from self-sufficiency – being a masturbator makes you master (hardy ha) of your sexual feelings, responses and sexual repertoire. You’ll become proficient in knowing your own being and how to turn yourself on – imagine the endless benefits and possibilities. Being single becomes a positively amazing space of discovery and hanging out with the person that knows you best. I’d like to kick those crappy stereotypes of masturbation and being self-sufficient in your own pleasure to the kerb. It’s not desperate, sad or lonely – it’s a fucking art.

Brave New World

So to get me on my artistic journey I did what I do best, sex geeked out and brought a whole pile of books.  The book that I related to best out of them all was the iconic ‘Sex for One’ by the glorious Betty Dobson, Ph.D.  I read it and wept; wept  for the vulnerable child that I was who placed the responsibility of her sexual pleasure into the unsteady hands of others, wept for the loss of that time of self exploration and wept from the joy of approaching that journey now. As Betty proclaims, “The space between the thought and the action was inhibition”, so I vow to move through that space in a conscious willingness to seek new pleasures.  Like Miranda, we can all step into a Brave New World of self discovery, in spite of and because of all our flawed, juicy marvellousness.

Does Sex Hurt?? Pain in the Poonani

Fire In Your Loins

Hopefully when we talk about the fire in our loins we are referring to the heat of our sexual fervour. But for some the flames of desire are being dampened by a burning that has nothing to do with smouldering passions.

The fire in your loins can become something very different to the heat of sexual passion.

Vaginal pain (Colpalgia) or vulval pain (Vulvodynia) can lead to some unpleasant bedroom experiences, such as the “Jesus, hell fire, where do you think you are going with that ?!!” type of  painful penetrative intercourse (Dyspareunia).  The pain can be caused by penile/finger/toy entry into the opening of the vagina or ‘deep’ thrusting during intercourse. It can be an aching, burning, stinging or throbbing sensation.

Suffering In Silence

 Unfortunately it’s very difficult to estimate the prevalence of dyspareunia within the general population because most women that experience it do not report it; they literally grin and bare it (a.k.a.  The ‘lay back and think of England’ approach) or simply abstain from any of ‘that sort of thing’. But what we do know is that for the 10-20% of women that do experience pain in the vajayjay, it can have a devastating impact upon their relationships and quality of life. Nobody likes it when our beaver is bothered.

Why Your Foo-Foo May No Longer Be Your Friend

There is usually an underlying medical condition for vulval or vaginal pain and it may even be associated with psychological issues (depression, issues with sexual identity or previous trauma). However, just to be clear I’m going to flagrantly capitalise – POONANI PAIN IS NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD!!!!

There are many reasons that your foo-foo may not be feeling too jiggy:

• Insufficient lube

When the love juices aren’t flowing, or haven’t had enough time to get going, then pain can be created during intercourse.

Vaginal dryness can also be caused by certain medications, such as anti-depressants, anti-histamines, high blood pressure medications, sedatives and some birth control pills.

Vaginal atrophy (when your vaginal walls thin and become inflamed because of low oestrogen in your body) is another cause of your chuff experiencing desert like aridity. This can occur during menopause or when breastfeeding. Also unlike its name suggests,  vaginal atrophy does not mean the old girl has packed her bags and is leaving for good, there is still light at the end for this tunnel.

• Vaginitis (inflammation of the vagina), which is caused by an irritation or infection. The common symptoms of Vaginitis are vaginal discharge, itching, redness, swelling and pain.

Your lady bits are sensitive little beasts and they may become inflamed or react to antibiotics or other medications, scented ‘hygiene’ or menstrual products, tight clothing, condoms, spermicides, lubricants or even semen. Yep, she’s that fussy – and why shouldn’t she be??

Anyone that encourages you to douche your little flower with natural flora and fauna napalming, pH unbalancing chemicals and perfumes is, well, a douche.  Treat your beast with care.

Infections such as vaginal candidiasis (a yeast infection, commonly called ‘thrush’), Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) and trichomoniasis (‘Trich’) can also be the cause of vaginitis.

• Hormonal changes

As mentioned before our poonanis are pretty delicate flowers – hormonal imbalances or changes (e.g. during puberty, menstruation, pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, menopause – jeez pretty much every life cycle milestone) can lead to sensitivity.

• Previous trauma or surgery

Nerve damage can occur during various activities where our beaver may have taken a bit of a bashing, such as cycling, horse-riding, aggressive or rough penetrative intercourse or during childbirth.  Genital surgery can also be the cause of chronic or recurrent pain.

A previous history of sexual abuse may have its physical and psychological aftermath for the survivor.  It’s important to recognise that a sexual problem is often more than just examining the physical body part. We are more than a sum of body parts. In order to get to the root of vulval pain we may have to look at the body, its parts and the feelings and emotions connected to them.

• Abnormal growths or cysts

How Your Honey Pot Can Heal

Sexual pain can impact upon your current relationship or prevent you from engaging in a new one – it can have detrimental effects upon our sense of self, how we feel about our body and sexuality and even our self-esteem and confidence.

In some cases dyspareunia can lead to vaginismus, where the body and subconscious mind anticipates pain and will tighten the pelvic floor or cause muscular spasms to resist intercourse.  So doing something about your poonani pain can be very important, before further issues arise.

We all deserve to have a rich and pleasurable sexual life, so if we choose to engage in penetrative sex, with our partner (s), ourselves or our toys there are treatments that can help manage the pain.

Self-help

• Engage in plenty of foreplay and outercourse
• Ensure you are at a high level of personal arousal before engaging in penetrative intercourse
• Try ladies-on-top positions and guide in any fingers, toys or penises
• Communicate with your lover(s) about your level of comfort
• Use plenty of an organic, water-based personal lubricant and moisturiser when engaging in some love play (e.g. Yes!)
• Rinse the area in cool water, particularly after urination or sex
• Soak in a bath
• Apply icepacks wrapped in towels, cool compresses or use heat pads (just not too hot!!)
• Use unscented tissues and body products
• Wear organic bamboo or cotton underwear
• Avoid tight fitting clothes or underwear
• Avoid pools/tubs or spas with heavily chlorinated water
• Keep your vulvar clean and dry (i.e. when wiping after the toilet wipe from front to back)
• Maintain a healthy diet and keep your gut happy with plenty of pre and probiotics

Professional  Poonani Pampering

Seeking help from a range of professionals (gynaecologists, physiotherapists, sexual health professional and sex therapists) can be very beneficial and your twinkle with thank you.

– Counselling and sex therapy will incorporate assessment, education, goal setting, and relaxation techniques, identify underlying personal or relationship issues and offer you the necessary tools to resolve these issues. They may give you homework exercises too so that you can hone your skills in the privacy of your own home.

 – Physiotherapists specialised in women’s sexual health can perform a full examination, including musculoskeletal, vulval and pelvic floor examinations. They can offer therapy that is both hands on (e.g. trigger point massage in the pelvic area and transvaginally or using biofeedback) and educational (e.g. teaching you to engage and relax your pelvic muscles).

– Health care professionals (GP’s, gynaecologists, and sexual health practitioners) can rule out any underlying infections or health issues. They can also prescribe medications such as anti-fungals, local anaesthetics, oestrogen creams, antidepressants or nerve blockers. They even may refer you to a surgeon if a more radical approach as a last resort is required.

– Alternative health care professionals (acupuncturist, naturopath) can offer treatment or advice that compliments more traditional approaches.

Slaying That Green Eyed Monster: Jealousy is my Bitch.

There’s a green-eyed monster potentially lurking in everyone’s relationship closet – jealousy. And this insidious and complex beastie has jaws that bite and claws that catch. Sharp pointy claws that dig into your heart and gut, bringing feelings of anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness, resentment and the big, fat FEAR of loss. Grendel-like it will suck out the marrow from a relationship and devastate it with emotional, psychological or physical threats of violence. The Jabberwocky, Jubjub bird and Bandersnatch all rolled into one ain’t got nothing on this dude (non-gender specific by the way).

“Oh beware, my lord, of jealousy!

It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock

The meat it feeds upon.” (Othello, Act III Sc. i.)

We are programmed into believing that when it rears its dirty little head that this is a sign of true love and devotion. Mistakenly believe that the outpourings of bile and suffering that it brings are but sweet indications of the strength of our love towards our chosen love or lover. Poppy COCK. Yes, what a crock of COCK. And no, I’m not about to swallow that.

If we examine this beast we become aware that it seems to have some rather peculiar bed fellows. The emotional response of jealousy and the reasons behind it seem to be couched in cultural terms, beliefs and values that are, frankly, all a little ‘economical’. We bristle and spit when our emotional ‘investment’, ‘possession’, ‘property’ or ‘security’ is threatened or we feel our ‘resources’ are being eyed up by others. Indeed, some research even suggests that jealousy decreases as our partner’s ‘reproductive value’ decreases. Do we really want to be involved in this kind of ‘market’? Or do we want to engage in a relationship that is not about trade, but actual unconditional, bad-ass cupid bow and arrow and shit love?

Well let me get out my vorpal sword…

Here’s how to slay that jealousy monster:

1)      Scope it out and learn the signs

 Learn to track the attributes, behaviour, characteristics and patterns of this beast – when does this emotion arise? What are my triggers? What other feelings and responses arise at the same time?  What effect does it have on others?

 Become aware of its signs and indications. For example, take notice of where in your body you feel this emotion arise, so that when it mounts an attack you are ready.

2)      Grab that mo-fo by the tail

 You need to get a handle on this emotion and identify the mistaken core beliefs that are causing it to arise. You need to OWN this emotion and take your focus beyond it.

Ask yourself, why am I jealous? What is making me jealous? Why do I feel threatened? What programming that we have learnt from our past experiences is causing it to arise? Often our jealousy arises because we feel that we are not enough, that we are fearful of being left alone or that we are not safe if others do not ‘care’ for us.

3)      And then deliver that final blow

 Change your mistaken core beliefs that no longer serve you or your relationship with others. This is often easier said than done – so fake it till you make it!

Create an affirmation as your daily meditation/thought for the day that is in direct opposition to your previously held mistaken beliefs.

For example, if you are jealous because you feel unsafe when your partner talks positively about a work colleague then your affirmations would be “I AM SAFE”. Imagine what that feels like, create it in your mind, feel it in your body, repeat it to yourself – grow that feeling and thought.

 One of the most effective antidotes to the poison of this beast’s gnashing teeth is to rejoice! Celebrate others and appreciate all of their amazing positive deeds and qualities – we are indeed, all pretty amazing beasties ourselves. That jealousy dragon ain’t got nothing on us.

Learn from your jealousy, trust yourself and recover your own

Female Ejaculation: The Controversial Little Squirt.

Tell Me How She Squirts

Female ejaculation (FE) refers to the release of fluid from the urethra or G spot/zone. These ‘urethral expulsions’ are single or double barelleled (POW! POW!) and are often extremely pleasurable. Ejaculation occurs from stimulation of the clitoris, G-spot/zone or the vagina. It is a healthy and normal response to stimulus – but not necessarily something that everyone can or wants to do. However, it should be noted – and hear this one loud and clear all you partner(s) and potential partners of those beautiful ladies out there who soak – it’s not always pleasurable and it’s not always accompanied by an orgasm.

Alchemical Waters

It seems unclear where these ejaculates originate from, with researchers suggesting the urethral and periurethral ducts and glands, the prostate (that’s right the female prostate exists and may be functional in up to 90% of women) or even from the bladder. And here’s the magical rainbows and unicorn awesome bit – it’s not urine! Yeah, we know some of us ladies might wee a bit when we get a little overexcited, sneeze or jump on a trampoline, but these urethral gushes are chemically altered during sexual arousal. Now that’s the A fucking bomb. It’s an entirely different entity from urine and, in fact, female ejaculators often have significantly stronger pelvic muscles and uterine contractions than non-ejaculators.

Just Keep Swimming

The amounts, consistencies and colours of the fluids are varied in that they can be thinner and more slippery than vaginal lubrication, or thick and whitish. Some women will dribble or leak, others will gush like Niagara. The taste of this fluid also varies from being tasteless, salty or sweet. Once again nature proves itself a little trickster and there is no ‘norm’.

The purpose of this discharge of prostatic fluid may be to better facilitate procreation in that it has been hypothesised to have antimicrobial or ‘nourishing’ properties – yup it makes the swimmers swim.

There are marked similarities between female and male ejaculation in that some men and women will have a refractory period (aka ‘the roll over and fall asleep’ response) after it has occurred. Even the ejaculatory mechanism, with the release of prostatic secretions through rhythmic pelvic contractions, is similar. We Jack and Jill off in a really similar way. And the secretions themselves are similar in composition in that both contain (prepare for long and difficult word) tartare inhibitable acid phosphatase and fructose. Some female ejaculate even has a mild semen-like scent. Oh yum!

Hot Waters

The phenomenon has been documented and hotly debated for centuries, with many even disputing its very existence. Yet women’s flowing love waters have been referred to in Ancient Chinese and Indian texts and even Aristotle and Hippocrates wrote about fluids expelled during sexual intercourse. Culturally, for many years in certain Ugandan communities adolescent girls have even been taught to ejaculate as part of traditional marital preparations. Even the somewhat prudish Victorians referred to orgasmic expulsions in pornographic literature.

However, the most notable sexologists of modern times, such as Kinsey and Masters and Johnson denied the existence of the phenomenon. This denial led to severe lack of interest and research into the topic, but the tides have changed and there is now a veritable tsunami of attention directed at this little squirt. Not only are sexologists and sex researchers turning their thoughts to FE, but the general populace is now becoming more aware and oh so a little interested in the amorous gushings that some women and their lover(s) are able to provoke.

The Health Benefits of a Good Old Wank

The Birds and The Bees

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it – Let’s do it, let’s have a waannnnkkkk!

Masturbation is a perfectly healthy, natural activity – mammals, birds and amphibians have all been observed engaging in a little bit of self-pleasuring…yep, that’s right the monkey really does do some spanking.

And just for your viewing pleasure – here’s some Australian native wildlife getting busy – a koala banging one off…

watch?v=w06tXEzP9G8&index=5&list=PL540322C914A242F8

…and a kangaroo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsp_6IRT_uI&list=PL540322C914A242F8

Yay for Skippy!

Masturbation has been observed in deer, monkeys and walruses – even squirrels like to find their nuts. And we ladies and gents are just another mammal.

So Just Who is Wanking?

The Great British public are profuse wankers – with 73% of men and nearly 37% of women reporting having a ham shank in the last four weeks (Gerressu, Mercer, Graham, Wellings and Johnson, 2006). And what’s even cooler – those with higher levels of education, more frequent intercourse and a greater repertoire of sexual activities are more likely to knock one off. And those of the US of A can be attributed with being tossers too, with 38% of women and 61% of men reporting masturbation over the preceding year, which often complemented an active and pleasurable sex life (Das, 2007). Here in Australia 67% of men and 36% of women have engaged in masturbation within the last 12 months.

Ahhh – great nations of those who like to rub one out…it makes the heart fairly glow.

Infantile Masturbation

Even when we are very young we will naturally touch our genitals once we have learnt that by stimulating this area it feels good. And this is normal.

On an aside: it’s interesting to note that infantile masturbation or gratification behaviour – or what some clinicians refer to as gratification disorder (what’s that all about?!)-   and its accompanying grunting, rocking and sweating is sometimes a cause of concern for some parents who might rush their kids off for checks and investigations with the worry that they’re suffering from some form of epilepsy or movement disorder. Which would be kinda quirky if I wasn’t talking about clinical studies that have actually been written…But hey ho, live and learn right?

Kids like to get their rocks off too – and that’s perfectly OK and normal and doesn’t mean that they actually want to hump or get involved in sexual activities. And one for those parents out there who’s noticed Scout likes to play with her foo-foo – Having a positive attitude and communication with little girls (and boys) about masturbation and sexual self-exploration can have long-term beneficial effects upon their view of their sexual self and their subsequent sexual activity in later life (Hogarth & Ingham, 2009). So go easy on the kids and let them know that pleasure is awesome for its very own sake – it will be good for them in the long run.

Oiling the Cogs

Yes of course the post-orgasmic satiation following partnered penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse (if you swing that way) can often be physiologically greater than what we may achieve with masturbation (Brody & Kruger, 2006). Yet masturbation can be effective in treating orgasmic dysfunction or premature ejaculation, familiarise ourselves with our bodies and sexual responses and fulfil our sexual needs. Additionally, we are most definitely oiling our cogs: the functionality of the circulatory, neural and muscular systems of the genitalia is maintained by arousal and orgasm (Levin, 2007). Lubing up meansbetter sexual functioning, which in turn will mean a greater ability to feel sexual pleasure or orgasm more easily – sheeeezzzam.

Masturbation: Self-Cultivating and Self-Loving or Learning to Make Your Flower Grow

Flicking the bean also has many cultivating properties – that’s right tickling your fancy has nurturing benefits. Not only does it strengthen our relationship with ourselves when we get to know, love and nurture ourselves – but by hanging out with who we know best we can improve sexual confidence and grow through self-awareness.

Masturbation can strengthen our relationship with others. By getting to know how to tame our own little beast we are learning how to identify, recognise, articulate and experience what brings us pleasure, which is an extremely powerful step in our self-development. By jilling off we can meet our own needs and then by sharing these experiences with others we can deepen our communication skills, openness and sexual honesty. That makes a little game of ‘Ring-a-ring-a roses’, a mind-blowing tool in our relationship and sexual arsenal.

And here’s some other Health Benefits of Masturbation while we’re at it:

• Eases abdominal cramps during menstruation
• Improves pre-menstrual symptoms
• Relieves migraine headaches
• Suppresses pain
• Eases the symptoms of restless leg syndrome
• Relieves feelings of frustration and stress
• Helps relaxation by interfering with ruminations (going over and over an argument or previous social interaction again and again)
• Lifts your spirits
• by releasing mood-boosting hormones

So why aren’t we wanking?

It was really only quite recently in the seventeenth century that masturbation became viewed as a self-polluting vice. Then in the eighteenth and nineteenth century the medical profession got involved with the belief that the good old wank, or onanism, was both injurious and morally degenerative (Lacquer, 2003). It was claimed that masturbation would lead to blindness, insanity and impotence. Times have, thankfully, moved on since then and we now know that no amount of spanking the monkey is going to make your palms hairy…science and research is well behind us on this one ladies – wanking is officially GOOD FOR YOU!

Brody, S. & Kruger, T. (2006). The post-orgasmic prolactin increase following intercourse is greater than following masturbation and suggests greater satiety. Biological Psychology, 71, 3, 312-   315.

Das, A. (2007). Masturbation in the United States. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 33, 4, 301-  317.

Gerressu, M., Mercer, C.H., Graham, C.A., Wellings, K. & Johnson, A.M. (2008). Prevalence of  masturbation and associated factors in a British national survey. Archives of Sexual               Behaviour, 37, 266-278.

Hogarth, H. & Ingham, R. (2009). Masturbation among young women and associations with sexual  health: An exploratory study. The Journal of Sex Research, 46, 6, 558-567.

Laquer, T. W. (2003). Solitary sex: A cultural history of masturbation. Brooklyn, N. Y., U.S.A: Zone Books

Levin, R. J. (2007). Sexual activity, health and well-being – the beneficial roles of coitus and masturbation. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22,1, 135-148.

Nechay, A., Ross, L.M, Stephenson, J.B.P. & O’Regan (2004). Gratification disorder (‘infantile masturbation’): a review. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 89, 225-226.

Queensland Goverment (2003). Sex in Queensland : A companion report to The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health, 2003, Volume 27, Number 2. Queensland : Queensland               Government.

Yang, M. L., Fullwooe, E, Goldstein, J. & Mink, J. W. (2005). Masturbation in infancy and early childhood presenting as a movement disorder: 12 cases and a review of literature.      Paediatrics, 116, 6, 1427-1432.

Baby Bumps & Bonking

Sex in the first trimester Is It Safe?

As a sexologist I’m very often asked about the safety of having sex during pregnancy – well here’s the good news – doing the nasty when you’ve got a bun in the oven is not only hot, it’s perfectly safe.  If you feel well and sexy – it’s a jolly good idea to have a roll in the hay.

Penetrative sex and orgasm during the first trimester are not linked to miscarriage or vaginal infections. Indeed, in a low risk, uncomplicated pregnancy getting juicy will actually reduce the risk of miscarriage and premature birth, by decreasing stress and enhancing emotional well being.

Often you and your partner(s) will worry that the baby will be harmed whilst you bump and grind – but don’t worry your unborn babe is well cushioned by the amniotic sac and the strong uterine muscles.  A penis (even one of porn star proportions – you lucky lady you!) or toy  will not penetrate deep enough to get past the muscles of the cervix, which is sealed up with a thick, mucous plug to keep out any nasties.

Changes to Your Mojo

However, it is important to be aware that during pregnancy there may be wide variations in you and your partner(s) sexual arousal, desire and response. For some pregnant women desire and intimacy may be affected in the first trimester by body image concerns, nausea, fatigue, urgency to urinate, anxiety and hormonal fluctuations.  For others these hormonal changes and lack of concerns about contraception can make them randier than a jack rabbit in a barrel full of jellied eels.

Follen Swanny and Tender Tits

There can be physiological changes that occur during pregnancy that may have you begging for more or closing the bedroom door. For instance, during pregnancy sex can cause genital engorgement (the classic Two Ronnies’ follen swanny), where you may experience heightened sensations that have you screaming YES!YES!YES! at the slightest touch of your sensitive clitoris or screaming NO!NO!NO! if anyone so much as breaths on it.  Not only can your clitoris become more sensitive, but so can your  breasts and nipples – and you partner(s) may tread a fine (and dangerous) line between  pleasure and pain.

Horny Hormones

Bonding, sexual pleasure and orgasm will also release hormones (prostaglandins and oxytocins) that can cause abdominal tightenings or hardenings of the uterus, which although perfectly normal can be a cause of concern for some. However, this is a perfectly normal response and these hormones can be both good for you and your baby – you’ll all be feeling the luuurvve.

Communicate, Communicate and Communicate

However, it’s very important  to listen to your body  – communicate and be open and honest with your partner(s) at this time. It may be that you control penetration and depth/vigour of thrusting or try new positions that are more comfortable, such as lying sideways, being positioned on the edge of the bed with your partner between your legs, spooning, sitting on their lap or being on top. Non-penetrative sex or ‘outercourse‘ may be more suitable or pleasurable at this time (foreplay, oral sex and masturbation). And don’t forget there are so many other ways to be intimate – ‘togetherness’ and mutual reassurance can be maintained through time spent together, cuddling, massage, a relaxing bath or shower, a shared walk, meal or movie night together.

You partner(s) va-va voom may also not be firing up for them during pregnancy if they are fearful of hurting you or the baby, worried about your health or that of the unborn’s, apprehensive about parenthood and its financial burdens or even self-conscious about getting down and dirty in the presence of the bump.  It’s just as important at this time for them to communicate their needs, desires and wants about intimacy.

Bans on Bonking

Obviously, there are times when doing the two-backed beast may not be recommended. Here are a few:

• If your partner(s) has an active genital herpes lesion
• If you have a low lying placenta or the placenta is partially/fully covering the cervix (placenta previa)
• If you have a cervical dysfunction , weakness or it is opening prematurely
• If you have a history of premature/pre-term labour
• If you are experiencing unexplained vaginal bleeding
• If you are experiencing moderate/ severe abdominal cramping
• If you have a history of miscarriage and having sex would cause you distress or worry
• If you are carrying multiple babies and have been advised against sex by your caregiver
• If your waters (amniotic fluid) are leaking or have broken

Safer Sex – And Some Thoughts on Anal and Oral

Even when pregnant there are times when condoms/dental dams should still be used:

• If your partner(s) have an STI (especially herpes)
• If you are not in a mutually monogamous relationship
• If you have a new partner and do not know their STI status
• If you have a vaginal infection (e.g. thrush)Care should also be taken when engaging in oral sex in that there should be no blowing in the vagina during pregnancy (but seriously who does that?! – no judgement, but you may want to perfect your techniques).

There should also be an awareness of the attending risks that come with anal sex – just like at any other time a penis/toy/fingers should not be placed into the anus and then into the vagina as this may cause a vaginal infection. Also during pregnancy some women are prone to developing haemorrhoids, which can be painful, bleed or rupture during anal penetration- so you may want to abstain from engaging in ‘up the bum’ fun during this time.