There’s a green-eyed monster potentially lurking in everyone’s relationship closet – jealousy. And this insidious and complex beastie has jaws that bite and claws that catch. Sharp pointy claws that dig into your heart and gut, bringing feelings of anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness, resentment and the big, fat FEAR of loss. Grendel-like it will suck out the marrow from a relationship and devastate it with emotional, psychological or physical threats of violence. The Jabberwocky, Jubjub bird and Bandersnatch all rolled into one ain’t got nothing on this dude (non-gender specific by the way).
“Oh beware, my lord, of jealousy!
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds upon.” (Othello, Act III Sc. i.)
We are programmed into believing that when it rears its dirty little head that this is a sign of true love and devotion. Mistakenly believe that the outpourings of bile and suffering that it brings are but sweet indications of the strength of our love towards our chosen love or lover. Poppy COCK. Yes, what a crock of COCK. And no, I’m not about to swallow that.
If we examine this beast we become aware that it seems to have some rather peculiar bed fellows. The emotional response of jealousy and the reasons behind it seem to be couched in cultural terms, beliefs and values that are, frankly, all a little ‘economical’. We bristle and spit when our emotional ‘investment’, ‘possession’, ‘property’ or ‘security’ is threatened or we feel our ‘resources’ are being eyed up by others. Indeed, some research even suggests that jealousy decreases as our partner’s ‘reproductive value’ decreases. Do we really want to be involved in this kind of ‘market’? Or do we want to engage in a relationship that is not about trade, but actual unconditional, bad-ass cupid bow and arrow and shit love?
Well let me get out my vorpal sword…
Here’s how to slay that jealousy monster:
1) Scope it out and learn the signs
Learn to track the attributes, behaviour, characteristics and patterns of this beast – when does this emotion arise? What are my triggers? What other feelings and responses arise at the same time? What effect does it have on others?
Become aware of its signs and indications. For example, take notice of where in your body you feel this emotion arise, so that when it mounts an attack you are ready.
2) Grab that mo-fo by the tail
You need to get a handle on this emotion and identify the mistaken core beliefs that are causing it to arise. You need to OWN this emotion and take your focus beyond it.
Ask yourself, why am I jealous? What is making me jealous? Why do I feel threatened? What programming that we have learnt from our past experiences is causing it to arise? Often our jealousy arises because we feel that we are not enough, that we are fearful of being left alone or that we are not safe if others do not ‘care’ for us.
3) And then deliver that final blow
Change your mistaken core beliefs that no longer serve you or your relationship with others. This is often easier said than done – so fake it till you make it!
Create an affirmation as your daily meditation/thought for the day that is in direct opposition to your previously held mistaken beliefs.
For example, if you are jealous because you feel unsafe when your partner talks positively about a work colleague then your affirmations would be “I AM SAFE”. Imagine what that feels like, create it in your mind, feel it in your body, repeat it to yourself – grow that feeling and thought.
One of the most effective antidotes to the poison of this beast’s gnashing teeth is to rejoice! Celebrate others and appreciate all of their amazing positive deeds and qualities – we are indeed, all pretty amazing beasties ourselves. That jealousy dragon ain’t got nothing on us.
Learn from your jealousy, trust yourself and recover your own